Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
You Might Also Like
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’