i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
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At Walmart during the holidays like..
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.