Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
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I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.