It’s an epidemic…
You Might Also Like
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
The best shot in the history of golf
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.