If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
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nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.