The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
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eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
“A little help here, Danny?”
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter