Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
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Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?