*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
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Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.