Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
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what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Watermelon Boss!
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions