Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
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Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.