My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
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me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Oh my God.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.