Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
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My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.