If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
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Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle