Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
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A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.