what’s really going on
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I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]