I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
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How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Iβm just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I havenβt eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no itβs real.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Me: I just played the βpoop in a bagβ trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Whereβd you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I donβt understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: donβt want to talk about it anymore
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
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My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I canβt do it(goes ahead in time to when heβs a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Interviewer: give me an example of when youβve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.