Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
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Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees