3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
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Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Breaking news:
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
#NeverForget
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU