*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
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I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?