THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
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5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
plant them where lol
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
*looks at you in batman voice*
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Goat cheese is for herders.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.