I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
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Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
my dog when i have a friend over
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.