I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
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Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
What if all the cashiers are married?
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
good morning
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack