“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
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Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
23. the denim jacket
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.