You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
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My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.