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I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Meowchelangelo
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
new record!
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.