*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
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Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
men are simple creatures
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
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My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground