December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
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Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.