[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
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Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
listen closely
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too