Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
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my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.