“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
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Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I feel attacked.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help