I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
You Might Also Like
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I hate my earbuds.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.