At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
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I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Yes, this is exactly right
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
[shakes fist at other fist]
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color