Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
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A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Feels like the fourth month in January
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants