I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
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I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
hackers play passwordle
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible