Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
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Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
This meal prepping shit easy
Warm pools make me nervous.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
remember
only for emergencies
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.