wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
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I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
This is painfully accurate 😅
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.