The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
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Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped