I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
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Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.