Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
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why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him