“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
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If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
you gotta be faster
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
#growingpains
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!