“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
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I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
My beach vacation Google searches
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.