Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
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I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Green is just blue that someone peed in
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.