#NeverForget
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Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
this could fix me
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler