*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
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If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
I bet
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.