Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
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I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
wtf is an acronym
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
my first day as a raccoon
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?