Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
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The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay