My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
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I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan