PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
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I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
This is a bad sign
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
oppen heimer style lol
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.