@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
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If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I get distracted pretty eas
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.