Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
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This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.